A letter never to be answered...

Dear Kyle,

That sounds so weird. The sound of your name coming across my lips after 15 years sounds foreign. It's so cliche to say I never would have guessed that your name could ever be foreign to me but no one can guess that the last time you see or speak to someone is, in fact, the last time you see or speak to someone. While we're mentioning cliches, how about, no one ever thinks something like "this" will happen to them. This. This. You, my brother, were dead at 19 years old. You weren't being a careless teenager, and you weren't doing anything you weren't supposed to be doing, and you died. You died learning how to help others in the event of their tragedy. I often think about what and how life would be different if you were still here. Would we have the kind of relationship where we talk often? Would you have a wife and kids? I hope so. You would have been an awesome Dad. And uncle. I imagine that Cora and Owen would love you and be as infatuated with you as they are other members of our family.  I want you to know about your niece and nephew, and I want them to know you. The only thing Cora knows about you is that you are my brother and you live in heaven with Jesus. She's too young to understand, but someday I will tell her lots of things. I hope that when that day comes she can feel the happiness inside. There are so many circumstances to wonder about, yet sad to think of because I'll never know what life would have been like with you in it beyond 14 years. I hope that you'd be proud of the person I've grown into the past decade and a half. I think that the good intentions I have in my heart come from the hurt I've faced; and the drive that keeps me going to be the best wife, mother, daughter, friend, teacher, etc. I can be comes from the void of the things that you never got to become. I am thankful that because of your death, I'm able to put life into perspective. Every day, I'm faced with so many obstacles, decisions, and challenges that I won't let affect my attitude or the way that I live my life because, I know, there are so many more bigger things. When I look back to the time I had to grieve, I get nauseated just thinking about it. The haunting sounds of everything that occurred that night rings loudly in my ears as if it just happened yesterday. I've been asked to help a number of people who have lost siblings and have been asked to put into words how I dealt and lived through such a tragic loss. My response is always the same. I wish I could help someone or anyone that is going through a loss such as this, but I have no idea how. I went into a dark place and somehow, with God's provision, I made it out. I didn't know it then, and it's taken a lot of years for me to realize that. It's my prayer that when someone looks at the hurt I've overcome and the things I witnessed on November 16, 2000, they can see there is hope. There's hope in God's saving grace. When I think back, I don't remember anything about the two years following your accident. It's all just a blur. I know I spent a lot of time crying, and floating through each day just trying to stay afloat. There were so many things that had to change. I was filled with a lot of bitterness and to think about the person I could have become if I kept that inside is scary. I still get an uncomfortable and guilty feeling when asked if I have any brothers or sisters. Know that when I smile and say no, I think of you, love you, and miss you every time. Know that when I say "yes" and "it's okay" after someone says they're sorry...know that I'm lying. It's not okay. It's never been okay, but I want people to understand that with God a part of my life, that's the only way to be okay. 

And I am...doing okay. And I hope that you know that. I'm alright. I hope that you can see the happiness my life is filled with. I hope that when my sweet children snuggle tight in my arms and when their laughing and squeals of delight echo throughout our house, that you can feel it. I hope that you see Mom's face light up when Cora yells, "Meme" with as much excitement that anyone can imagine. I hope you can feel the pride that wells up inside Dad when Owen pulls on his pant leg to pick him up. My life is filled with so many great things and so many amazing people, I'm able to reflect on my past and grow and learn from each and every bit of it. While you can't write back to this letter, there is so much healing that comes from these words. I love you. I know you'll keep watching over me, and there's so much joy that has yet to come.

Love,
Your obnoxious little sister

(Please feel free to share this post if you think there's someone out there that can benefit from hearing these words.)