I've written a couple of different posts about my pregnancy but nothing actually related to pregnancy details...so I thought I might write a little bit about the changes I've noticed in carrying a sweet little peanut.
Sickness...not so much. I'm not a puker...and other people will say they aren't either...but I really mean it. The last time I was sick like that was when I was a little girl, like 8 or so years old. I don't really have a weak stomach so maybe that's why I didn't have worse case scenario like some of my preggo buddies. I did experience some nightly nausea after dinner for a few weeks but nothing some lounging on the couch and some ginger ale couldn't cure! I've been extremely grateful for any symptom or lack of symptom. For two years, I said that the day I puked as a symptom of pregnancy I would jump for joy and praise Jesus! I've done a lot of jumping for joy (well more like bouncing because I have this fear that she'll fall out if I jump...or run) and a lot of praising Jesus...but no puking! Morning sickness was something that I envied of other pregnant women. I know you might think that's crazy, but baby hunger will make you feel some crazy things!
Fatigue...I guess? I feel like I've always been tired. But that's a work hazard I signed up for when spending your days with little ones! Maybe I'm a little more tired, because I don't sleep worth a darn. My mom says it's my body's way of preparing me for being up every two hours when our precious baby girl gets here. I say it's because I wake up on my back and know I'm not supposed to be laying like that so then I have to re-adjust the pillows that surround my entire body and turn back on my side... and that's a vicious cycle that repeats alllllllllll night long.
Pregnancy Brain...Probably my biggest symptom!! Good gravy...my brain has officially taken a vacation. I can't think of words, I say the wrong things, I forget stuff, I put awards in the recycle bin that I need for my awards ceremony, I get off wrong exits on the parkway, it takes me three tries to get to a restaurant I've been to a million times, need I go on?...I've been told it never returns...LORD HELP MY FAMILY if that's the case! Yikes!
Cravings...Nothing crazy. I randomly made macaroni and tomatoes one day because that sounded delicious but other than that...I think all food sounds good at this point, except for chex mix. I ate a lot of that in the beginning and now the sound of that repulses me. I'd say stuff with tomatoes IN it has been a common joy of mine, which I'm not the biggest fan of tomatoes, so I guess that's weird? BUT salsa sounded gross at the beginning, so as long as it was tomatoes, but not in salsa...we were all good! Haha...did that make any sense, because I'm pretty sure I just spoke in a complete circle.
That's pretty much it. I'm just enjoying each day of this sweet baby growing inside of me, and I'm looking forward to the day she decides to meet us! I hope that I'm blessed to experience this again someday, but I know that's never guaranteed, so I'm just taking it a day at a time and relishing every moment...with my Faithful Redeemer by my side.
May 23, 2012
May 21, 2012
My baby's angels
I still find it very surreal that I'm going to be a Mom. I don't think there will ever be a doctor's appointment where I'm not plagued with terror that this will be when the road of good news ends. I guess it's the overwhelming fact, that God loves me enough to give me a child, that's so unbelievable. What else that's astonishing is how much I love her already. I daydream about what she'll look like and I have anxiety with knowing that every choice I have made for the past 4 months and every choice I will make, for the rest of my life...will directly affect my daughter. I find myself being much more emotional when I think about how important family is, maybe it's because our family will be the people that love and care about Cora the most. Maybe it's the family members that aren't here that I know Cora will never get to have the joy of knowing and loving that makes me so emotional. While she will not get to know them, I've learned that they already know her. The other night, I had a dream. A dream, more real than any other I've ever had in my entire life. During my unconscious slumber, I dreamt I was at school (at least I think it was at school because the position I appeared to be in, was work) and everything was going wrong. Flashes of things kept happening in my dream that were wrong and I had no control over fixing them. Like, extremely wrong. I don't remember all of the things that kept happening but what was very realistic was my feeling of deep helplessness and loss of control. Let me put a little plug in here about me not being a control freak, I'm pretty go with the flow, so maybe that's why this feeling was so profound? As I walk down the hallway (of what I believe to be my school) I'm staring at the floor with a crushed feeling inside of me and on the brink of my breaking point. As I look up, what stops me dead in my tracks, was my Pappy. Now I've had dreams with my grandparents and brother in them before, but it was not like this. In other dreams, they've been a mere outline with few details. My pappy stood there, just as real as I remember him, in his brown work boots and belt, his blue Dickie's work outfit, and a pen in his shirt pocket. As soon as I saw him, the pressure in my chest subsided and a feeling of peace came over me as he asked me what was wrong. We walked together and I don't remember what we talked about, but just that we talked. Soon after this, my dream ended and I woke. I woke, drenched in sweat and gripped with fear. Had I stopped breathing last night, had I almost died? If I had stopped breathing, was my baby okay? Chills ran up and down my spine as I processed what had just transpired. Finally, the feeling of peace, much like the one in my dream washed over me as I realized that God sent Pappy to me in my dream. He was a message that everything will always be okay. No matter how uncontrollable things are, it will still be okay. I have been battling with the sadness that these important people who have gone on, will not be apart of my daughter's life. And now, I know that they will be.
May 8, 2012
A psalm that sticks
I've seen many people that I love face lots of heartache. Heartache such as loss, despair, lonliness, sadness, brokenness, and bitterness. While I too, have faced heartache, I no longer look at it as that. Every moment of my life, where I've faced brokenness...I now see it as a stepping stone to something greater. I know that God has something great planned for my life, could this be it, now? Yes. Could it be coming? Yes. Whatever is in my unique plan, it's my prayer that my heart is open and my faith is...just that...faith. Do I fear that I'll miss it? All the time! But I know my God is relentless and he won't give up on me. To know that God doesn't give up on me, it's not fair for me to give up on Him. For that, I turn to Psalm 40.
I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord. Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols. O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them. (NLT Psalm 40 1-5)
When facing a valley, I know a mountain is just around the corner. That's what God does for me. He doesn't leave me alone to hurt. If you are facing hurt tonight, it's my prayer for you, that you will see the solid ground God sets you on, and you feel the steadiness in your walk. I love this psalm because it sticks with me and I appreciate the peace it gives. Maybe it'll bring you peace or hope tonight as well, whatever you're facing or wherever you might be.
I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord. Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols. O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them. (NLT Psalm 40 1-5)
When facing a valley, I know a mountain is just around the corner. That's what God does for me. He doesn't leave me alone to hurt. If you are facing hurt tonight, it's my prayer for you, that you will see the solid ground God sets you on, and you feel the steadiness in your walk. I love this psalm because it sticks with me and I appreciate the peace it gives. Maybe it'll bring you peace or hope tonight as well, whatever you're facing or wherever you might be.
May 1, 2012
God Blessed the Broken Road
It is my belief that God has a specific plan for you to carry out in your lifetime; if that plan He has for me is to help one person with my story...then I believe that plan is perfect, just as He meant for it to be. With that being said...here's our story:
Just an hour after saying "I do" to the person God placed in my life, I danced to Rascal Flatts "God Blessed the Broken Road." As I looked in the eyes of the man I knew would be the amazing Father of my children, little did I know, that the broken road that brought us to each other, had yet to begin. The past two years, have been just that, broken. Heartache and Challenge stared deep into our eyes as we fought our battle with infertility. During an unexplainable time, it's hard not to place blame for something that you don't feel you deserve. Or feel like you must be such scum that you're being punished. All of these thoughts and feelings and worse went through my mind as we lost child after child. About 6 months ago, I decided that God has a far greater plan in mind and that we were supposed to adopt. After much discussion, we sought some information and found that wasn't in the cards for us either. The only road not traveled was seeing a specialist. Let me say that at this point, my relationship with God consisted of intense prayer mostly during the tough times and deep misunderstanding associated with disconnectedness. At the breaking point of thinking you know what God wants you to do and then being confused time and time again...my only option was to give up and let God take total control. Imagine being in a room full of doors and you've tried all the wrong ones and there's only one left...it's the only way out; my prayer went something like this: God, I have no idea what I'm doing, I have no idea what you want me to do, and I can't do this anymore. I'm yours, do with me what you wish. It's all you, God. Amen. Literally, that was my prayer. I don't remember at what point I remembered something someone had shared with me that would become so powerful in this walk, but it was soon after that prayer. (God hears our prayers, no matter how perfect or imperfect you think they are.)
After our first loss a dear friend had shared with me a website that had guided her in her battle with infertility. At the time, I wasn't ready to face that this was going to be a challenge for me but upon remembering it 17 months later, it couldn't have been at a better time. http://www.sarahslaughter.com/ is a website that offers so many resources and support for infertility battling couples. I signed up for the daily double portion which is a devotional that relates infertility to the bible. The peace and understanding that I recieved from these daily devotionals and the joy that replaced bitterness is something that's almost undescribable. I waited each day for these emails and was filled with pure excitement when they would show up in my inbox. I don't think I was ready for them until this point in my life because I didn't yet understand how God was providing for me during my struggle. I was going to be okay, that's what I learned. I learned God wasn't punishing me, God ached for me. He ached for me the way I ached for a baby and he provided comfort for me when I hurt the most but I had to recognize it and praise Him for it. I have pleaded for God's forgiveness many times for turning away. As the journey of seeing a specialist began, the relationship I would continue to build with God would become strong and unbreakable. I took each day one at a time praying for God's will to be done and praying for guidance each step of the way. I became grateful for the battles I'd faced because I wouldn't have sought God or the relationship I have now, otherwise.
At the specialist, we found out there's no medical reason why I shouldn't be able to carry a baby or have a healthy child with my husband. We praised God. We found that my tube I'd had surgery on before was blocked and needed to come out. We praised God. As I sat scheduling the surgery, little did we know what God already was working out for us. Almost three weeks away from my surgery date, we were blessed upon seeing two pink lines. We praised God and prayed that God would walk beside us whatever the outcome would be for pregnancy number four. God not only walked beside us, I believe He carried us (and continues to) and had His precious hands wrapped around the miracle inside my womb each second of each day that I pray. It's with a humble and grateful voice that I speak these next words...AJ and I are having a baby. A baby that God gave us. Our precious gift that we prayed about each and every day for 22 months has been given to us. As I sit here with tear stained cheeks, I'm overwhelmed with the love that God has shown me...a lowly sinner who isn't anything special and who had to learn to trust...and He loves me anyway. God is an awesome God...and I'll never forget the broken road that He so richly blessed.
Just an hour after saying "I do" to the person God placed in my life, I danced to Rascal Flatts "God Blessed the Broken Road." As I looked in the eyes of the man I knew would be the amazing Father of my children, little did I know, that the broken road that brought us to each other, had yet to begin. The past two years, have been just that, broken. Heartache and Challenge stared deep into our eyes as we fought our battle with infertility. During an unexplainable time, it's hard not to place blame for something that you don't feel you deserve. Or feel like you must be such scum that you're being punished. All of these thoughts and feelings and worse went through my mind as we lost child after child. About 6 months ago, I decided that God has a far greater plan in mind and that we were supposed to adopt. After much discussion, we sought some information and found that wasn't in the cards for us either. The only road not traveled was seeing a specialist. Let me say that at this point, my relationship with God consisted of intense prayer mostly during the tough times and deep misunderstanding associated with disconnectedness. At the breaking point of thinking you know what God wants you to do and then being confused time and time again...my only option was to give up and let God take total control. Imagine being in a room full of doors and you've tried all the wrong ones and there's only one left...it's the only way out; my prayer went something like this: God, I have no idea what I'm doing, I have no idea what you want me to do, and I can't do this anymore. I'm yours, do with me what you wish. It's all you, God. Amen. Literally, that was my prayer. I don't remember at what point I remembered something someone had shared with me that would become so powerful in this walk, but it was soon after that prayer. (God hears our prayers, no matter how perfect or imperfect you think they are.)
After our first loss a dear friend had shared with me a website that had guided her in her battle with infertility. At the time, I wasn't ready to face that this was going to be a challenge for me but upon remembering it 17 months later, it couldn't have been at a better time. http://www.sarahslaughter.com/ is a website that offers so many resources and support for infertility battling couples. I signed up for the daily double portion which is a devotional that relates infertility to the bible. The peace and understanding that I recieved from these daily devotionals and the joy that replaced bitterness is something that's almost undescribable. I waited each day for these emails and was filled with pure excitement when they would show up in my inbox. I don't think I was ready for them until this point in my life because I didn't yet understand how God was providing for me during my struggle. I was going to be okay, that's what I learned. I learned God wasn't punishing me, God ached for me. He ached for me the way I ached for a baby and he provided comfort for me when I hurt the most but I had to recognize it and praise Him for it. I have pleaded for God's forgiveness many times for turning away. As the journey of seeing a specialist began, the relationship I would continue to build with God would become strong and unbreakable. I took each day one at a time praying for God's will to be done and praying for guidance each step of the way. I became grateful for the battles I'd faced because I wouldn't have sought God or the relationship I have now, otherwise.
At the specialist, we found out there's no medical reason why I shouldn't be able to carry a baby or have a healthy child with my husband. We praised God. We found that my tube I'd had surgery on before was blocked and needed to come out. We praised God. As I sat scheduling the surgery, little did we know what God already was working out for us. Almost three weeks away from my surgery date, we were blessed upon seeing two pink lines. We praised God and prayed that God would walk beside us whatever the outcome would be for pregnancy number four. God not only walked beside us, I believe He carried us (and continues to) and had His precious hands wrapped around the miracle inside my womb each second of each day that I pray. It's with a humble and grateful voice that I speak these next words...AJ and I are having a baby. A baby that God gave us. Our precious gift that we prayed about each and every day for 22 months has been given to us. As I sit here with tear stained cheeks, I'm overwhelmed with the love that God has shown me...a lowly sinner who isn't anything special and who had to learn to trust...and He loves me anyway. God is an awesome God...and I'll never forget the broken road that He so richly blessed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)