God Blessed the Broken Road

It is my belief that God has a specific plan for you to carry out in your lifetime; if that plan He has for me is to help one person with my story...then I believe that plan is perfect, just as He meant for it to be. With that being said...here's our story:

Just an hour after saying "I do" to the person God placed in my life, I danced to Rascal Flatts "God Blessed the Broken Road." As I looked in the eyes of the man I knew would be the amazing Father of my children, little did I know, that the broken road that brought us to each other, had yet to begin. The past two years, have been just that, broken. Heartache and Challenge stared deep into our eyes as we fought our battle with infertility. During an unexplainable time, it's hard not to place blame for something that you don't feel you deserve. Or feel like you must be such scum that you're being punished. All of these thoughts and feelings and worse went through my mind as we lost child after child. About 6 months ago, I decided that God has a far greater plan in mind and that we were supposed to adopt. After much discussion, we sought some information and found that wasn't in the cards for us either. The only road not traveled was seeing a specialist. Let me say that at this point, my relationship with God consisted of intense prayer mostly during the tough times and deep misunderstanding associated with disconnectedness. At the breaking point of thinking you know what God wants you to do and then being confused time and time again...my only option was to give up and let God take total control. Imagine being in a room full of doors and you've tried all the wrong ones and there's only one left...it's the only way out; my prayer went something like this:  God, I have no idea what I'm doing, I have no idea what you want me to do, and I can't do this anymore. I'm yours, do with me what you wish. It's all you, God. Amen. Literally, that was my prayer. I don't remember at what point I remembered something someone had shared with me that would become so powerful in this walk, but it was soon after that prayer. (God hears our prayers, no matter how perfect or imperfect you think they are.)

After our first loss a dear friend had shared with me a website that had guided her in her battle with infertility. At the time, I wasn't ready to face that this was going to be a challenge for me but upon remembering it 17 months later, it couldn't have been at a better time. http://www.sarahslaughter.com/ is a website that offers so many resources and support for infertility battling couples. I signed up for the daily double portion which is a devotional that relates infertility to the bible. The peace and understanding that I recieved from these daily devotionals and the joy that replaced bitterness is something that's almost undescribable. I waited each day for these emails and was filled with pure excitement when they would show up in my inbox. I don't think I was ready for them until this point in my life because I didn't yet understand how God was providing for me during my struggle. I was going to be okay, that's what I learned. I learned God wasn't punishing me, God ached for me. He ached for me the way I ached for a baby and he provided comfort for me when I hurt the most but I had to recognize it and praise Him for it. I have pleaded for God's forgiveness many times for turning away. As the journey of seeing a specialist began, the relationship I would continue to build with God would become strong and unbreakable. I took each day one at a time praying for God's will to be done and praying for guidance each step of the way. I became grateful for the battles I'd faced because I wouldn't have sought God or the relationship I have now, otherwise.

At the specialist, we found out there's no medical reason why I shouldn't be able to carry a baby or have a healthy child with my husband. We praised God. We found that my tube I'd had surgery on before was blocked and needed to come out. We praised God. As I sat scheduling the surgery, little did we know what God already was working out for us. Almost three weeks away from my surgery date, we were blessed upon seeing two pink lines. We praised God and prayed that God would walk beside us whatever the outcome would be for pregnancy number four. God not only walked beside us, I believe He carried us (and continues to) and had His precious hands wrapped around the miracle inside my womb each second of each day that I pray. It's with a humble and grateful voice that I speak these next words...AJ and I are having a baby. A baby that God gave us. Our precious gift that we prayed about each and every day for 22 months has been given to us. As I sit here with tear stained cheeks, I'm overwhelmed with the love that God has shown me...a lowly sinner who isn't anything special and who had to learn to trust...and He loves me anyway. God is an awesome God...and I'll never forget the broken road that He so richly blessed.