A letter never to be answered...

Dear Kyle,

That sounds so weird. The sound of your name coming across my lips after 15 years sounds foreign. It's so cliche to say I never would have guessed that your name could ever be foreign to me but no one can guess that the last time you see or speak to someone is, in fact, the last time you see or speak to someone. While we're mentioning cliches, how about, no one ever thinks something like "this" will happen to them. This. This. You, my brother, were dead at 19 years old. You weren't being a careless teenager, and you weren't doing anything you weren't supposed to be doing, and you died. You died learning how to help others in the event of their tragedy. I often think about what and how life would be different if you were still here. Would we have the kind of relationship where we talk often? Would you have a wife and kids? I hope so. You would have been an awesome Dad. And uncle. I imagine that Cora and Owen would love you and be as infatuated with you as they are other members of our family.  I want you to know about your niece and nephew, and I want them to know you. The only thing Cora knows about you is that you are my brother and you live in heaven with Jesus. She's too young to understand, but someday I will tell her lots of things. I hope that when that day comes she can feel the happiness inside. There are so many circumstances to wonder about, yet sad to think of because I'll never know what life would have been like with you in it beyond 14 years. I hope that you'd be proud of the person I've grown into the past decade and a half. I think that the good intentions I have in my heart come from the hurt I've faced; and the drive that keeps me going to be the best wife, mother, daughter, friend, teacher, etc. I can be comes from the void of the things that you never got to become. I am thankful that because of your death, I'm able to put life into perspective. Every day, I'm faced with so many obstacles, decisions, and challenges that I won't let affect my attitude or the way that I live my life because, I know, there are so many more bigger things. When I look back to the time I had to grieve, I get nauseated just thinking about it. The haunting sounds of everything that occurred that night rings loudly in my ears as if it just happened yesterday. I've been asked to help a number of people who have lost siblings and have been asked to put into words how I dealt and lived through such a tragic loss. My response is always the same. I wish I could help someone or anyone that is going through a loss such as this, but I have no idea how. I went into a dark place and somehow, with God's provision, I made it out. I didn't know it then, and it's taken a lot of years for me to realize that. It's my prayer that when someone looks at the hurt I've overcome and the things I witnessed on November 16, 2000, they can see there is hope. There's hope in God's saving grace. When I think back, I don't remember anything about the two years following your accident. It's all just a blur. I know I spent a lot of time crying, and floating through each day just trying to stay afloat. There were so many things that had to change. I was filled with a lot of bitterness and to think about the person I could have become if I kept that inside is scary. I still get an uncomfortable and guilty feeling when asked if I have any brothers or sisters. Know that when I smile and say no, I think of you, love you, and miss you every time. Know that when I say "yes" and "it's okay" after someone says they're sorry...know that I'm lying. It's not okay. It's never been okay, but I want people to understand that with God a part of my life, that's the only way to be okay. 

And I am...doing okay. And I hope that you know that. I'm alright. I hope that you can see the happiness my life is filled with. I hope that when my sweet children snuggle tight in my arms and when their laughing and squeals of delight echo throughout our house, that you can feel it. I hope that you see Mom's face light up when Cora yells, "Meme" with as much excitement that anyone can imagine. I hope you can feel the pride that wells up inside Dad when Owen pulls on his pant leg to pick him up. My life is filled with so many great things and so many amazing people, I'm able to reflect on my past and grow and learn from each and every bit of it. While you can't write back to this letter, there is so much healing that comes from these words. I love you. I know you'll keep watching over me, and there's so much joy that has yet to come.

Love,
Your obnoxious little sister

(Please feel free to share this post if you think there's someone out there that can benefit from hearing these words.)

November 16, 2000: A memoir of the sibling left behind

A detailed narrative of the event that changed my life...

I was sitting at home knowing there was a fire training that night, hoping that I might get to ride along and "hang out" at the station while all the firefighters did their thing. While that might sound like a strange thing for a 14 year old to do in her free time, living in a close knit community, we were all family, and I loved being around the comradery that filled the station. When Kyle got home that evening, I asked if I could go, and when we often fought like a typical brother and sister do, I was shocked when he said yes.

The training started like any other typical one. I stayed in the office watching TV and walked back and forth between that and watching the boys train with the hoses and work the pumper on the truck. I was inside the office when the phone rang.

"Gott Fire Department," I answered.
The voice on the line asked, "Andrea, do you know anything about an accident?"
"What are you talking about? I don't think there's been an accident, nothing out of the ordinary has occurred."

At this time, panic ensued and several trucks left out belting the lights and sirens. I told the voice on the phone that if she sent someone to the scene, to pick me up on the way. As I waited by the road, I was picked up and we traveled a short distance of only half a mile. As we drove up on one of the most horrifying scenes I've ever witnessed, it looked like an airport landing strip. There were lights and trucks and people everywhere. In the middle of all the chaos was an upside down fire truck, actually, part of a fire truck. Several pieces lay strewn about the yard.

"Oh My God," were the words that came out of my mouth. But not in a derogatory way, in a My God have mercy on what is happening right before my eyes kind of way. I had no idea what I was about to encounter. I wish I could go back and freeze that moment. I was sitting inside that truck and I was oblivious to the terror filled people running around that yard. I was ignorant to the fact that my life, right then, in that moment, was innocent. I had no idea what was about to punch me in the stomach. I had no idea, that this moment would be the last moment I had a living sibling.

As I ran up onto the yard to see who, of my friends, was be the subject of this terrible misfortune, someone said, "Andrea, it's Kyle."

Every fear that I'd ever known no longer meant anything. My worst fear was smacking me in the face. As I ran around the truck to get a visual of what was happening, there he was, There my defenseless brother was, inside that truck, with absolutely no hope of survival. My Mom and Dad were there. They were screaming and begging God to spare their son's life. Every single firefighter was trying everything they possibly could to get him out. After what seemed like an eternity, they finally untangled him from the wreckage. He lifeless body pulled out right in front of me. I remember his barefoot not having his boot on it. I remember everything, every single detail of that night.

We followed the ambulance to the hospital, and the nightmare that I was hoping I'd wake up from just kept on going. I called family member after family member and relayed the same message over and over, "Kyle's been in an accident and we don't know if he's going to make it."

Loved one after loved one arrived at the hospital to offer their support. Firefighters still in their gear lined that hallway waiting to hear the devastating news, praying for a miracle. I remember being dragged up and down that hallway, moving us from one place to another. I think maybe they were unsuccessfully trying to help us by giving us a room to await our fate. Finally, they ushered my parents into a room. They wouldn't let me in. At that moment, I think that's the only time in my entire life I've ever actually hated someone. I hated that nurse. How dare her take my family away from me when she knew that 1/4 of my family was lying unresponsive on a table somewhere in that awful place. I stood next to the door and when I heard my parents sobs, knew in an instant what had been revealed. We would be going home without a member of my family. My parents cried a cry that is specific to the kind of loss that one can't even imagine until you've experienced it. I believe in this instant, a fight or flight response came over me and I screamed at that nurse to let me in that room. She had no choice. What a terrible moment to be such an uncaring, unsympathetic person on a power trip.

My broken family embraced. And cried. The doctor took us to the room where my 19 year old brother's body was covered with a sheet. We hugged him and told him goodbye. As a 14 year old child, I don't believe I was developed mentally or emotionally to fathom what I was witnessing. From that point on, things become a big blur. I remember Mom having blood stains on her coat where she laid over her son's lifeless body begging him not to leave her. She praying that God would end this nightmare. I can see my Dad stroking Kyle's hair and hand as he sobbed knowing that he would never recover from this. I felt like a statue in that cold room. I didn't know what to do. Was this really happening? Is this my real life? From that point on, all I remember is the violent shaking of my mom's body as she laid next to me that night embracing Kyle's shirt that he wore that day. Clutching to the 19 years of memories that had abruptly ended in just a few hours of time.

The days that followed was just a continuation of the nightmare. Kyle's memorial was so honorable. I'm filled with pride when I think back on his celebration of life. What an amazing life it was, albeit a short one, but one that I'm so grateful to have been a part of.

Owen's Birth Story

This I declare about the Lord; he alone is my refuge, my place of safety. He is my God and I trust him. Psalms 91:2


Owen Andrew Partington * 8.2 LBS * 20 1/4 inches long * 2:46 PM

Without my God, I wouldn't have been able to bring our sweet boy into the world. I wanted the birth of Owen to be similar to that of Cora's. However, after Cora's natural birth, I experienced some complications due to the arrogance of my doctor...and I was hoping for this birth to be natural and smooth sailing...from beginning to end. The Lord answered my prayers.

On Sunday, November 30th I had contractions off and on all day but without any real pattern. I was really hoping, Monday morning, I would wake up and go into labor because I didn't really want to go back to work after Thanksgiving break. Owen obliged; he's already more cooperative than his big sister! The timing was perfect because my new doctor (the amazing Christy South) was out of town until Sunday night...talk about a God thing!

I woke up Monday morning around 5:00 and noticed I was having contractions every 5-6 minutes. I continued to lay in bed for about an hour just tracking them to see if they continued and stayed regular. They did, and I told AJ I thought today would be the day. We both showered and got Cora up and ready to go. I finished packing her overnight bag (this would be the first time away from Mommy and I was extremely anxious about this) and called AJ's Mom to figure out the plan for big sis since today was a babysitter day for her. While AJ took Cora to Mrs. Pam's house, I continued to labor at home and finished packing my hospital bag (there was no denial for me this time...the bag was completely overpacked!) I labored all morning at home with AJ and decided around 10:00 it was time to head to the hospital. We had a 45 minute drive and I was nervous about being too far along in my labor with a 45 minute car ride. Mom flew drove us to the hospital and I had to remind her that Owen wasn't falling out anytime soon and I'd like to be alive when I arrived at the hospital! (love you Mom!)

When we got to TJ Sampson, they took me to triage and I was dilated 4 cm. I was slightly disappointed because I didn't want to have that much work to do at the hospital, but it ended up being okay. They transferred me to the labor and delivery floor, did a 15 minute reading on me, and put my IV port in. After that, they left the room and let me be. Bless this hospital. I did as I felt necessary to get though my labor. My amazing nurse came in to monitor Owen's heartrate each hour during one contraction and would leave the room again. I was never hooked up, poked, or proded (except for my initial arrival.) AJ was an awesome birthing partner. He massaged my back during each and every contraction and at the end when it was intense, he never left my side. He encouraged me and told me how great I was doing. I had the nurse check me around noonish and was dilated 7 cm. Thank goodness! I knew it would go pretty fast once I got to 8! It didn't seem too long after this, my contractions were much more intense. I knew I was in the transition stage of labor, which is from 8-10 cm. When I could no longer stand the contractions without pushing, I was checked again, and at 9.5! Finally! We called the doctor, had her break my water, and started pushing. After 4 or so contractions and about 15 minutes of pushing...Owen Andrew arrived.

My first words were, "Thank you God!" AJ assured me he counted his fingers and toes and there were 10. :0) We let the cord finish pulsating so Owen could get all that nutrient rich blood and then Daddy had the honor of cutting it. Everything after Owen arrived was fine, which included no complications with delivering the placenta, which was a huge relief! Owen immediately latched on, nursed perfectly, and has ever since. The nurse also removed my IV port since I didn't need it during labor or afterward. Owen rested on my chest for 2 straight hours, I was able to warm him, and they were in no rush to take him from Mommy. Such a blessing. Big sis Cora also got to meet Owen. She was in awe. My heart could have exploded from happiness.

After two hours passed, Owen went to the nursery with his Daddy and I took a shower. I walked to my postpartum room and they brought Owen back to me. We visited with family and everyone got to meet Owen. He never left our hospital room except for his exam and to be circumcised. It's extremely important to me that my babies never left us in the hospital. Did we lose a lot of sleep, yes. Would I do it differently, no. I spent 10 months waiting for him to arrive, there's no way, in his first 24 hours of life, I want a nurse (even though extremely capable) babysitting him (that's Mommy and Daddy's job). I don't judge those that do, it's just my control issues personal preference.

After 24 hours after Owen's arrival, we were in the car on the way home. My praise for TJ Sampson, my nurses, and my doctor will not cease. I had been slightly bitter about the way some things were handled during Cora's birth, but with Owen's birth, I received a lot of healing from that.

We call Cora our miracle baby because we thought we might never have children. Owen is just as much a miracle baby because he was such a surprise blessing. We never would have thought getting pregnant with Owen would require as little effort as possible ;0) My heart overflows with love for my two babies and gratefulness to the Lord Almighty for two amazing birth experiences. What a beautiful, amazing process.

With baby...comes change (the sequel)

Wow! You can never expect the changes that come with having a baby. My life is absolutely, completely different now that Cora is here. What a blessing she is to our lives and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world! Now that I'm a mom...

I no longer eat, sleep, use the bathroom, bathe, leave the house, etc. when I want.

I use my feet and toes to pick up things.

I consistently worry that I might squeeze my daughter to death because she's so stinkin' cute!!

Leaving the house requires much effort and planning.

I have far too many conversations about poop.

My phone memory is filling up because I think everything she does needs to be captured via photo.

I'm that crazy mom who posts constant videos and pictures of her kid on social media...because obviously everyone else thinks she's just as adorable as me.

My house always has something that needs to be cleaned because I'd rather cuddle and love on my baby while she'll let me.

The laundry basket is never empty.

I've got these things called claws...and they come out if anyone comes close to crossing a boundary that has to do with my daughter.

I worry that I won't always be able to protect her.

and last but not least....
My heart lives outside my body and holds more love than I ever thought possible.

Cora's birth story



Cora Whitney Partington * 10/30/12 * 8:09 pm * 7 pounds 10.3 ounces * 20.5 inches



"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

This scripture would be the focus of my birth plan as I sought strength to bring Cora into the world. AJ and I decided that we wanted something different for our birth of Cora; we don't view birth or labor as a medical event so we wanted it to be as natural as possible. With that statement, that is purely how we feel about birth and do not cast judgement on how others perceive labor/birth...every mother has a right to choose what kind of birth experience they desire.

During the 9 months that we prepared for Cora, we focused on scripture seeking strength and guidance from the Lord and we prayed for God's will to be done in the arrival of our daughter. I've always felt that my struggle with infertility was my testimony of how God continually works in our life through ups and downs whether we recognize it, or not. I also felt, that once God blessed me with this pregnancy, that the birth of our daughter would be a continuance of my testimony. The birth of Cora Whitney Partington was the most amazing experience that I've ever encountered. The presence of the Lord was undeniable during the 39 weeks and 5 days leading up to the arrival of Cora, and the 13 hours of labor it took to get her here. With that being said...the following is my birth story:

I started having contractions on the way to work that morning about 7:30; however, I wasn't sure it was labor. I believe I was in denial that it was really happening, especially because I hadn't ever experienced real contractions so I didn't know that's what they were. I taught my whole group reading lesson and decided about 9:00 that this possibly could be "it" since these pains were coming about every 4-5 minutes. I came home and called AJ on the way..to let him know this could be the real deal and I'd let him know if he needed to come home. Once I got home, I picked up our house (trying to ignore them as long as possible) and laid down for a bit, but these "pains" kept coming and I decided it was time for AJ to come home.

When AJ arrived, I got in the bath to relax and we called our doula, Michelle Howell. I would highly recommend, if you desire a natural birth, to seek the help of a doula. Michelle taught us relaxation techniques and how to move the baby down using simple exercises. She also taught us the way God designed the labor process. She arrived about an hour later and I was continuing to relax and breathe through the contractions (which were about 3 minutes apart, lasting about 60 seconds). This was about 11:30-12:00ish. Contractions (which I was no longer in denial of now!) were getting more intense and we were managing them with massage, warm blankets, walking, kneeling, heat, etc. I got in the shower for about an hour and a half which provided the most relief. I tried to stay as relaxed as possible in between contractions and managed by breathing through one contraction at a time. It seemed like time flew by!

We transitioned to the hospital around 5:00ish. Being in the car was very uncomfortable and I called on the Lord for strength and recited Joshua 1:9 over and over. I also used Christian songs like How Deep the Father's Love for Us  which has a line that says, "his dying breath has brought me life" and I tried to focus on Christ's love and sacrifice for me to remind me that I could bring this life into the world. Another song You're Not Alone which says "you are not alone, for I am here...let me wipe away every fear and, I've never left your side, I've seen you through the darkest night" reminded me of the journey I've been on and how God remains faithful. I listened to the words of these songs and several others to keep my focus and to continue to work through the transition stage of labor. Once at the hospital, after being checked, I thanked God that I was 8 cm...I didn't want to have a lot of work left to do at the hospital and I was afraid we might have gone too early..which was not the case. Contractions became manageable by vocalizing and pushing at that point. I couldn't get past 9 cm because my water was holding her back so we made the decision to have the doctor break it...however...during my last contraction (before real pushing) my water broke. I was checked again, and ready to go! I started pushing...pushed for about 20-30 minutes and my life changed forever as we welcomed Cora into the world at 8:09 pm! Upon holding my sweet girl for the first time, I was amazed at what God had just enabled me to do and the opportunity that had been given to me. The birth process is a perfect one, designed by God and is extraordinary that our bodies can do this amazing thing.  I thanked God for the blessing of Cora and will continue to, for the rest of my life.

I've been asked, would you do it again...absolutely. I have no doubt in the Lord and His ability to provide for me when I need Him. Birth is a gift that women get to experience, and it's one I'm so grateful that I've been given.

Pregnancy Milestones

I've been meaning to write down all of the things that are specific to my pregnancy in a timeline of events sort of way...so I thought maybe the best place to do that would be my blog...until I get a baby book.

I guess I should start from the beginning: found out we might be pregnant on Feb. 24th...confirmed on the 25th. Thought my eyes might be deceiving me and that second pink line might not actually be there so I had to wait a day to confirm!! The next 4 weeks following would be an emotional scary roller coaster as there were several events that led me to believe this one would end up like my previous three. After our first viewing of Miss Cora with a heartbeat of 142 at 7 weeks (March 20), we still weren't out of the woods. Over the next week, I did as much resting as possible and took it easy as instructed. Finally, I was reminded that God ALWAYS provides...and was released from Nashville fertility after getting our first report with ONLY GOOD NEWS for the first time in two years!! I was 8 weeks along, Cora had a heartbeat of 170, and was considered a normal pregnancy! WHAT?!? That was a very emotional day for me. I realized, and actually said, I'm going to be a mommy for the first time...even though for many more months and even still, I shake my head in disbelief because it's still hard to believe it's happening. At 9 weeks (April 2), we had our first REGULAR ob appointment with a heartbeat of 192...it was at this appointment Mommy and Daddy started leaning toward thinking we were having a girl! Continued to have great appointments and the next big milestone was confirming that girl prediction at 15 weeks (May 12)...one day before mother's day...and EXACTLY two years from the day that I found out I was pregnant for the very first time. At 18 weeks, Mommy felt Cora's little movements for the first time, movements that I knew were actually hers and at 22 weeks, Daddy felt Cora for the first time. The following week, we could see little movements from the outside. Here in the past month, she's started to do some big movements (sometimes painful) and I've seen her moving across my entire belly. It's amazing to me because I can already tell she has a little personality! If she has the hiccups for a long time, she starts moving around and I assume she's getting mad. (Who wouldn't? I hate the hiccups!) Also, we've said she's quite stubborn. She can be moving around like crazy and when someone goes to feel her, she's as still as a statue! I can't wait to meet this sweet girl to put the face with the personality, and I absolutely cannot wait to hold her in my arms. With every pregnancy milestone, with each passing day, with every movement...God gets all the glory.

Next pregnancy milestone: Birth date...TBA!!!

The Magic Pig

The above statement is one that is true; however, not in the sense that you might think! When my mom was pregnant with my brother over 30 years ago, everyone in her office teased her for being so big. Come to find out, my 23 inch brother in utero of my 5'1" mother was the reason for her being so large! It became a joke to pass around the pig in the office of those who were trying to get pregnant...and low and behold the majority of these ladies would turn up preggo. A few months before finding out I was expecting, Mom suggested that I take the pig. At first, I was hesitant because if you read my earlier post here you know that with all the hardship we faced in the previous two years, we weren't sure about continuing down that path. Eventually, the pig landed on my fridge and a bun landed in my oven! After the pig worked it's "magic" I passed it along to a friend in my small group who was trying to get pregnant...I'm excited to say that baby Nora Druen will be here at the end of December! But the story doesn't stop there. She passed it along to another small group member and...baby Harris will be here in February! I have a plan of who is getting the pig next and I know it's going to work for her too, it will be a blessed day, when I get to say about this very special person...the pig strikes again!