My baby's angels

I still find it very surreal that I'm going to be a Mom. I don't think there will ever be a doctor's appointment where I'm not plagued with terror that this will be when the road of good news ends. I guess it's the overwhelming fact, that God loves me enough to give me a child, that's so unbelievable. What else that's astonishing is how much I love her already. I daydream about what she'll look like and I have anxiety with knowing that every choice I have made for the past 4 months and every choice I will make, for the rest of my life...will directly affect my daughter. I find myself being much more emotional when I think about how important family is, maybe it's because our family will be the people that love and care about Cora the most. Maybe it's the family members that aren't here that I know Cora will never get to have the joy of knowing and loving that makes me so emotional. While she will not get to know them, I've learned that they already know her. The other night, I had a dream. A dream, more real than any other I've ever had in my entire life. During my unconscious slumber, I dreamt I was at school (at least I think it was at school because the position I appeared to be in, was work) and everything was going wrong. Flashes of things kept happening in my dream that were wrong and I had no control over fixing them. Like, extremely wrong. I don't remember all of the things that kept happening but what was very realistic was my feeling of deep helplessness and loss of control. Let me put a little plug in here about me not being a control freak, I'm pretty go with the flow, so maybe that's why this feeling was so profound? As I walk down the hallway (of what I believe to be my school) I'm staring at the floor with a crushed feeling inside of me and on the brink of my breaking point. As I look up, what stops me dead in my tracks, was my Pappy. Now I've had dreams with my grandparents and brother in them before, but it was not like this. In other dreams, they've been a mere outline with few details. My pappy stood there, just as real as I remember him, in his brown work boots and belt, his blue Dickie's work outfit, and a pen in his shirt pocket. As soon as I saw him, the pressure in my chest subsided and a feeling of peace came over me as he asked me what was wrong. We walked together and I don't remember what we talked about, but just that we talked. Soon after this, my dream ended and I woke. I woke, drenched in sweat and gripped with fear. Had I stopped breathing last night, had I almost died? If I had stopped breathing, was my baby okay? Chills ran up and down my spine as I processed what had just transpired. Finally, the feeling of peace, much like the one in my dream washed over me as I realized that God sent Pappy to me in my dream. He was a message that everything will always be okay. No matter how uncontrollable things are, it will still be okay. I have been battling with the sadness that these important people who have gone on, will not be apart of my daughter's life. And now, I know that they will be.